My old website had pages of jokes. Some are dated, probably from the 1990s! Here are ones I could find:
The Director, The DP, And The
Gaffer
(This is an old production joke. I've heard several versions of it.)
So the director, the DP, and the
gaffer are walking on the beach scouting the location. The gaffer
sees something shiny in the sand and picks it up.
"Hey, it's
a lamp," says the gaffer.
The DP grabs at it saying, "It's
an old oil lamp, let me show you how to use it."
Then the director
starts grabbing at it saying, "Everything belongs to production."
All three of them are fighting over the lamp when smoke
starts to billow out of the old lamp and then, POOF! A genie
appears.
"O masters of the lamp," begins the genie, "I will
grant thee three wishes."
"This is so fantastic!" says the
gaffer. "I wish I was in New York with a pocketful of cash."
The genie nods and POOF! The gaffer is gone.
"I want
to be in Paris," says the DP, "with a suitcase full of cash."
Again, the genie nods and POOF! The DP is gone.
The director looks at the genie and says, "I want those two guys, back here,
right now."
____________________________
How To Be A Producer*
*without really knowing
anything
Hire the best crew possible.
They will make it look like you really know what you are
doing.
Make everyone feel insecure. They'll be afraid
to ask you questions, which is good because you don't know the
answers.
Park your car as close to the
set as possible. The crew can work around
it.
Be sure to take the credit for everything
that is good.
Be sure to blame all problems on someone
else. The crew is always an excellent choice.
Constantly use buzz phrases like, "We could use
another take of that"; "I want a more honest performance";
"Did we check the gate?"; "I want to see playback"; "Is this
the best (fill in the blank) we could get?"; and, "I told them
this would happen!"
Get everyone to cut
their rates. Tell them, you'll make it up to them next
time.
Find something insignificant in every setup to
change. Make a big deal about it.
Use the loudest and
most unusual ring on your cell phone you can. It will make
everyone think you get a lot of important phone calls.
Talk loudly on the phone and use buzz words like: "Are
you out of your @$#^% mind!"; "We are going to do this my
way"; "The crews are so much better in L.A." (substitute New
York if you are in L.A.); and of course, "I told them this
would happen!"
Be as opinionated as possible.
Everything is either great or terrible
Always agree
with the client even if their ideas are dumb or impractical.
If it doesn't work, blame someone else.
Always appear
busy. Bring you laptop to keep up busy appearances. You don't
want anyone to realize that you are really doing nothing.
General Motors vs. Microsoft
(It's dated, probably from the late 1990s, but still funny . . . and true.)
Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept
up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a
press release. If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we
would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a
day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you
would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would
die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this,
restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver
such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to
restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you
bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more
seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the
sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive,
but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The
oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be
replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going
off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car
would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously
lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the
radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also
purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM
subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them.
Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's
performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would
become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would
have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the
controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.
___________________________
The Pastor's Ass
A
pastor needed to raise money for his church. His little church
was very poor, and he had tried many times to raise money but
had failed. One day he found out about horse racing. If he
bought a racehorse, he could make a fortune for the church.
The pastor said a prayer and headed to the horse
auction. Prices for horses were very high. He could never
afford one. He said another prayer and then a donkey was put
up for auction. The pastor took this as a sign. He put in a
low bid and to his surprise, won the donkey.
The next
day the pastor takes his donkey to the track. The trackmen
laugh at him, but he enters it in a race anyway. To his
surprise, (and everyone else at the track) the donkey comes in
third. The next day the local newspaper carries the headline:
PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS
The pastor enters his
donkey in another race. This time the donkey wins. The next
day the newspaper headline says:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT
FRONT
The pastor's bishop was upset over the church
getting this kind of publicity. He ordered that the pastor not
enter the donkey in any more races. The next days headline
read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was
too much for the bishop. He ordered the pastor to get rid of
the donkey, and not to let the newspaper know about it. The
pastor gave the donkey to a nun at a nearby convent. He didn't
say a word about it to anyone, but the newspaper had good
reporters. The following days headline read:
NUN HAS
BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop was again upset. The
church kept getting bad publicity over this donkey. He
informed the nun that she must get rid of the donkey. So she
sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day in the
newspaper it read:
NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10.00
This was too much for the bishop, so he came up with a
scheme. He had the nun buy back the donkey and set it free
into the wild where no one would ever hear about it again. The
next day the bishop read the newspaper and fainted. It read:
NUN SAYS HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
_______________________________
Things Not To Say To The
Police Officer That Just Pulled You Over
Can you hold my beer while I
get my license out?
Sorry Officer, I guess I didn't
realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Would you
like one of my beers?
Aren't you one of the guys from
the Village People?
Wow, I can't believe you could
catch up with me. How fast were you going?
Do you know
why you pulled me over? I glad one of us knows.
Are
You Andy or Barney?
I thought you had to be in
relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
I was keeping up with traffic. Yes, I know there are
no other cars around. I was trying to catch-up.
Remember, I pay your salary.
You know the last
officer only gave me a warning.
Your eyes look glazed,
have you been eating doughnuts?
___________________________________________
Toasting at the Pub
Things got a little loud one night
at the pub as patrons started a toasting contest. With each toast,
the crowd grew louder, and the toasts more outlandish, and the beer
flowed faster.
Finally, John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and
said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of
me wife!"
The crowd roared with approval and John O'Reilly
won the top prize for the best toast of the night.
He went
home and told his wife, "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of
the night."
She had heard it all before, and slyly said,
"Aye, what was your toast?"
"Here's to spending the rest of
me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
A little
surprised, Mary said, "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!"
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies
on the street corner.
"The other night," the man chuckled,
"John won the prize with a toast about you, Mary."
"Aye,"
she said, "and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only
been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to
pull him by the ears to make him come."
______________________________________
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
GEORGE W. BUSH: I don't think I should have
to answer that question.
AL GORE: I invented the
chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the
road represented the application of these two different functions of
government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater
services to the American people.
RALPH NADER: The
chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted
by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the
unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was
crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT
BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don't know why the chicken
crossed the road because I was high, but I'll bet it was getting a
government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there
is already forming a support group to help chickens with
crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of
this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by
their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about
your money, money the government took from you to build roads for
chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART: When the
chicken crossed the road, I sold my Chicken-Crossing-The-Road Stock.
I am fully justified in that sale. My stockbroker and I have an
understanding, that if the chicken ever crossed the road, to sell.
It had nothing to do with any insider trading information I received
from the chicken. Can't a person talk to a chicken without going to
jail? I am a private person and should not have to be subjected to
the scrutiny that I am receiving from you people!
JERRY
FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't
you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken
was going to the 'other side.' That's what 'they' call it; the
'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat
that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens
until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media
whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.'
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, He crossed the road with
a toad. Why the chicken crossed the road with a toad, I have
not been told . . . go ask the toad!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.
GRANDPA: In
my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. If someone
told us that the chicken crossed the road that was good enough for
us.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a
few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first
time, the heartwarming story of how it overcame a serious case of
molting and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the
road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens
crossing roads in peace.
ARISTOTLE: It is the
nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
VOLTAIRE: I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend
to the death its right to do it.
RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?
KEN STARR: I intend to
prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the
President of the United States of America in an effort to distract
law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal
wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up.
As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's
ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the
rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken
unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our
investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to
cross any more roads until our investigation and any Congressional
follow-up investigations have been completed.
FREUD: You are at all concerned with the chicken that crossed the
road, thus revealing your underlying sexual insecurity driven by
your unconscious lust!
EINSTEIN: The chicken never moved while the road traveled relative to the chicken
in space and time.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road! You
will see! Represents the black man! The chicken crossed the black
man! The chicken tramples the black man! The chicken crossed the
road to keep the black man down!
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
_________________________________________
How You Can Tell If Y'all Is
From Kentucky The Halloween pumpkin on your front
porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your
twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of
her kids.
Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow
pies.
You've been married three times and still have
the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of
your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels
makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think
Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how
service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone
in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch
this!"
You've got more than one brother named
'Darryl.'
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia
leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a
ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for
a date.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner
are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You lit a match
in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You take a six-pack cooler to church.
State
law allows your preacher to carry a gun in church.
You
had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down,
depending on how much gas it has in it.
You have to go
outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
One of
your kids was born on a pool table.
Your dad walks you
to school because you are both in the same grade.
You
need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at
the House of Tattoos.
You have flowers planted in a
bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Ya can't get
married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high
school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting
your wife drunk.
(I'm
from Kentucky before you get mad about these jokes. Feel free to
substitute the state of your choice. West Virginia is a good pick.)
_____________________________________
How to Make Friends and Have
Fun on Elevators
* Push the buttons for every
floor.
* Pretend an invisible friend gets on the
elevator.
* Ask someone to push a floor button for
you. Keep asking them until all the buttons are pushed.
* Ride the elevator with an unending, demented smile.
* Say, "Yeaaaaah!" everytime the elevator moves.
* Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small
World' incessantly.
* Greet everyone getting on the
elevator with a warm handshake.
* Walk-on with a
cooler that says 'HUMAN HEAD' on the side.
* Stare at
a passenger, and announce, "YOU'RE ONE OF THEM!"
*
Explain to passengers, how the builder lost count and forgot
floor thirteen
* Draw a face on your hand. Use it to
talk to the other passengers.
* Say, "I wonder what
these do?" and push the red buttons.
* Say "DING" at
every floor.
* Pretend to be pulling the doors open
between floors.
* Hand-out name tags to everyone.
* In a quiet, robotic voice say, "I must find a more
suitable hostbody."
* Wear X-Ray Specs and leer at the
other passengers.
* Turn to the person next to you,
and start talking as if they are your oldest and closest
friend. Tell them about everyone in your family
Genie Joke
A man is lost in the desert.
After many days, he is out of water and knows the end is soon.
Wandering in a sea of sand, he notices some shiny metal object.
Picking it up, he sees what appears to be the ashtray from some old
car.
He opens it, and shakes some butts out of it, when
suddenly: POOF!
A genie appears out of the ashtray. But,
this is no ordinary genie. He has a thin greasy mustache, and
slicked-back greasy hair. He is wearing a polka dot bow tie, and a
plaid sport coat. There's a dog-eared little blue book in the breast
pocket with 'NADA' on it. This is a car salesman genie!
"Well, kid," says the genie, "You know how it works. You
have three wishes."
"Right," says the man, "You think I'm
going to trust a car salesman."
"Well look at it this way.
You've got nothing to lose. I'll take good care of you kid. Just
trust me."
The man thinks about this for a minute, and
decides that the genie is right. What is the worst that could
happen?
"Okay car salesman genie, I wish to be in a lush
oasis with plentiful food and drink."
The genie nods and
POOF! The man finds himself in a beautiful oasis, surrounded by wine
and food.
The genie smirks and says, "Not bad, uh kid?"
The man says, "This is so fantastic. I can have everything
I've ever wanted! Next, I want to be rich beyond my wildest dreams."
The genie nods again, and says, "Your second wish is
granted."
POOF!
The man finds himself surrounded by
treasure chests filled with gold coins and precious gems. He jumps
with joy into the treasure, throwing coins in the airs.
"Okay genie," says the man, "I guess you want me to free you
now."
"Well," says the car salesman genie, "that would be
kind of nice. Living in an ashtray full of butts isn't everything
its cracked up to be."
"Tough luck car salesman. Finally, I
have a chance every guy dreams of . . . a chance to get even with a
car salesman."
The man thinks for a moment and says, "For my
final wish, I want beautiful women to want and need me, no matter
where they go!"
POOF!
The man turns into a tampon.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
Anything a
salesman does for you will always have a string attached.
______________________________________
Why I Can't Own Canadians
This is an open letter sent to
Dr. Laura Schlessinger after she said that homosexuality is an
abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and therefore cannot be
condoned under any circumstance.
Dear Dr.
Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people
regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your
show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I
can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, I
simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to
be an abomination; end of debate.
I do need some
advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific
laws and how to follow them.
When I burn a bull on the
altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for
the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim
the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as
sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you
think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am
allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of
menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how
do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves,
both male and female, provided they are purchased from
neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies
to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I
own Canadians?
I have a neighbor who insists on
working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should
be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating
shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser
abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle
this?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the
altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit
that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20,
or is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male
friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around
their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8
that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may
I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a
farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops
in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made
of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He
also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole
town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just
burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with
people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I
know you have studied these things extensively, so I am
confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that
God's word is eternal and unchanging.
